... Thanks. I don't really know who I can talk to about stuff like this, it's ... kind of embarrassing...
I guess I'm just afraid about having to talk to them about this, when I can't really predict how things might go. [ He sighs, rubbing his temples. ] And I don't want to hurt them. I'm ... worried about things going badly, and it'll somehow be my fault.
To be honest, I don't even know why he likes me. [ A beat. ] Or, uhm. I do, kinda, after having at least two people basically tell me "well I would hope he likes you for these things about you", it's just -- why me, you know? He's already dating someone who's so different that I don't know what it is he sees in me. It's not that people don't like me, I just figured no one would be interested in a sharp-tongued asshole who could cut open your figurative skin and expose all your insides as a lover, I guess, I don't know. And -- it's not like what happened to get to this point was a dream, or anything, and I know he made his choice when he decided to talk to me instead of letting me run away, I'm just ...
I keep wondering what's the catch, I suppose. It still doesn't feel real that someone this great wants someone like me, for some reason.
...mm. It's a difficult subject to approach, especially when you care about the feelings of everyone involved.
But for starters... I think it might help to focus on the things you can control. If you decide you want to talk, make sure you give a lot of thought to the things you want to say and how you want to say them. Think about things like where you'd like to have that talk. Being prepared when it comes to things like that will definitely help.
...maybe it's because you're different. There's something that he gets from his relationship with you that... he doesn't get from that other relationship-- something that's special enough to him that he couldn't bear to lose either one of you. So... while I know it's easy to doubt those kinds of things... you should try to have a little more faith in him too. He wouldn't be with you if you didn't make him happy.
[See: all the things she learned the hard way from her own relationship problems.]
... I'll do my best. [ To try and figure out how he wants to have that talk, whenever he feels he ought to.
Skylark listens to what Serenity has to say, and he seems to be thinking hard on it. ]
I know, it's just ... [ He seems to have a lot of 'buts' in him, now that he thinks about it. ] ... What if you know that deep down, you're not a good person? And you don't know if he's ever realised that about you. So you can't help but wonder if ... one day, he'll see that ugliness within you, and maybe that will be it.
[She listens, although she's quite aware that he likes to add those little 'buts' everywhere. All the more reason to let him get it all out. Serenity has more than enough patience for it; nibbling at a cookie while she listens.]
...there are a lot of things people learn about themselves and about the people they care about throughout their relationships with one another.
Not all of the things they've done may be good ones, nor will we always agree on everything.
But just because those flaws exist... past or present... doesn't make you any less someone worthy of being loved. Every person has their own set of unique circumstances in life. They can drive us to do things we're not proud of. But whether we see them as right or wrong... we make those choices for a reason. Something that's unique to us.
I don't think... "good" or "bad" is necessarily an easy or fair label to try to pin on anyone.
So I think... what's important is that when you want to share that part of yourself with him, don't be so harsh on yourself. Let him get to know the whole story. Not just what you did... but why and how you felt. And I think you'll be okay.
Hey Serenity, did you expect him to scrub at his face, after hearing all that? Because that's what he's doing, trying to tuck the blanket over himself so she won't see him tearing up. ]
No. No she doesn't. And yet she seems to know just what she wants to do. It only takes her a few moments to shift the snacks out of the way so she can scoot over and pull him into a gentle hug; holding his head against her chest and stroking his hair softly. She doesn't say anything-- doesn't even ask. Just... lets him have this time for a little bit.]
[ He startled when she hugs him -- he wasn't really expecting it, after all -- but soon he just lets himself rest there and begins sobbing.
It's so embarrassing that he's crying like this. But he can't help but feel so relieved to hear someone say these things to him. If he had heard this months ago, would things have turned out differently...? ]
[She continues to hold him as he cries. There's definitely a build up of emotion there that he needs to let out. So she continues to pet his hair patiently, giving him all the time he needs.]
[ It takes a while. There's so much ugly crying, after telling himself that -- crying won't change anything. He knows that. Like how crying didn't change anything for her, crying now won't change anything that's already happened for him. It won't change the things he knows are true: that there is a priority and rank to everything, that people are (should be, really) free to choose what they value, and that chances are he doesn't rate very highly for most people. It's nothing personal, even, he just...he shouldn't expect to be chosen, a lot of times. Don't set himself up for disappointment.
...He feels so childish, crying like this.
Eventually, the crying slows down, though he's still clinging to her. ]
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Re: Day 333, evening
I guess I'm just afraid about having to talk to them about this, when I can't really predict how things might go. [ He sighs, rubbing his temples. ] And I don't want to hurt them. I'm ... worried about things going badly, and it'll somehow be my fault.
To be honest, I don't even know why he likes me. [ A beat. ] Or, uhm. I do, kinda, after having at least two people basically tell me "well I would hope he likes you for these things about you", it's just -- why me, you know? He's already dating someone who's so different that I don't know what it is he sees in me. It's not that people don't like me, I just figured no one would be interested in a sharp-tongued asshole who could cut open your figurative skin and expose all your insides as a lover, I guess, I don't know. And -- it's not like what happened to get to this point was a dream, or anything, and I know he made his choice when he decided to talk to me instead of letting me run away, I'm just ...
I keep wondering what's the catch, I suppose. It still doesn't feel real that someone this great wants someone like me, for some reason.
Re: Day 333, evening
But for starters... I think it might help to focus on the things you can control. If you decide you want to talk, make sure you give a lot of thought to the things you want to say and how you want to say them. Think about things like where you'd like to have that talk. Being prepared when it comes to things like that will definitely help.
...maybe it's because you're different. There's something that he gets from his relationship with you that... he doesn't get from that other relationship-- something that's special enough to him that he couldn't bear to lose either one of you. So... while I know it's easy to doubt those kinds of things... you should try to have a little more faith in him too. He wouldn't be with you if you didn't make him happy.
[See: all the things she learned the hard way from her own relationship problems.]
Re: Day 333, evening
Skylark listens to what Serenity has to say, and he seems to be thinking hard on it. ]
I know, it's just ... [ He seems to have a lot of 'buts' in him, now that he thinks about it. ] ... What if you know that deep down, you're not a good person? And you don't know if he's ever realised that about you. So you can't help but wonder if ... one day, he'll see that ugliness within you, and maybe that will be it.
... It's a lot of 'what-ifs', admittedly.
Re: Day 333, evening
...there are a lot of things people learn about themselves and about the people they care about throughout their relationships with one another.
Not all of the things they've done may be good ones, nor will we always agree on everything.
But just because those flaws exist... past or present... doesn't make you any less someone worthy of being loved. Every person has their own set of unique circumstances in life. They can drive us to do things we're not proud of. But whether we see them as right or wrong... we make those choices for a reason. Something that's unique to us.
I don't think... "good" or "bad" is necessarily an easy or fair label to try to pin on anyone.
So I think... what's important is that when you want to share that part of yourself with him, don't be so harsh on yourself. Let him get to know the whole story. Not just what you did... but why and how you felt. And I think you'll be okay.
Re: Day 333, evening
Hey Serenity, did you expect him to scrub at his face, after hearing all that? Because that's what he's doing, trying to tuck the blanket over himself so she won't see him tearing up. ]
Re: Day 333, evening
No. No she doesn't. And yet she seems to know just what she wants to do. It only takes her a few moments to shift the snacks out of the way so she can scoot over and pull him into a gentle hug; holding his head against her chest and stroking his hair softly. She doesn't say anything-- doesn't even ask. Just... lets him have this time for a little bit.]
Re: Day 333, evening
It's so embarrassing that he's crying like this. But he can't help but feel so relieved to hear someone say these things to him. If he had heard this months ago, would things have turned out differently...? ]
Re: Day 333, evening
Re: Day 333, evening
...He feels so childish, crying like this.
Eventually, the crying slows down, though he's still clinging to her. ]