She knows she can’t fake it right now, she’s a mess. But just the thought of ignoring it leaves her stomach in knots. Through her tears and shaking hands her first text is.... useless. ]
Serenity: Dir s koyfkr nur
[There’s a pause before she comes back with something... legible.]
Serenity: Sorry. Serenity: It’s. Serenity: Okay. Serenity: What is?
Lily Pads:you don't want to break up with ordine. Lily Pads:i know you. Lily Pads:you LOVE him. Lily Pads:so tell me why you think he wouldn't or shouldn't be happy with you Lily Pads:when he already is Lily Pads:but you think he would be happier without Lily Pads:we need to talk about this. Lily Pads:if you want me to come over i can. deep breaths, water, take your time.
[ HOW DOES SHE KNOW ALREADY— well, she knows how actually. But why...?
Deep breaths... pretend it’s cool... sloooooooowly—— ]
Serenity: He’s married, Lily Serenity: And I’m not that person Serenity: You should have heard it... Serenity: The way he talked about his dreams and wishes with that person Serenity: It was so sweet Serenity: I can’t compete with that Serenity: I don’t WANT to... I just want him to be happy Serenity: I don’t belong in that picture
Lily Pads:Nobody asked or WANTS you to compete with that! Lily Pads:He cares about you very deeply and doesn't want to lose you. Lily Pads:Even if HE thinks that's what's best for YOU. Lily Pads:You are both making assumptions here that are making you grievously unhappy. Lily Pads:He has dreams with that person, yes. Lily Pads:But I bet it never occurred to you that he might want things with you, too. Lily Pads:Either now or someday. Lily Pads:His being a weapon now doesn't matter to you, you're not that shallow. Lily Pads:And yet he thinks it SHOULD. Lily Pads:You never think you're worth these things and I know you thought you were doing him a favour. Lily Pads:Listen to me. Lily Pads:It's fine to want him. Lily Pads:It's fine to want these things for yourself. Lily Pads:He. Wants. You. Too. Lily Pads:You both have an irreplaceable relationship, you know how hard it is to make it into his heart. Lily Pads:And yet your wonderful self has a place there. Lily Pads:But the worst of both your tendencies are mucking everything up right now. Lily Pads:And please believe me when I say they really don't have to. Lily Pads:I know you think this is what's best, but it's really, really not. Lily Pads:And it's actually arrogant and unkind of you to decide this on your own. Lily Pads:He wants to talk to you and I think you should.
[ All of it just kind of hits her one thing after another. Until her chest is aching and she can't stop sobbing.
He wants to talk to her... is it true? Her heart has room to be both frozen with anxiety and yet pathetically hopeful.
But then... Lily tells her that she's been both arrogant and unkind and...
She fully crumbles to pieces.
She's thought many harsh things of herself. But never that. If there was anything she thought she could be sure of it was that she wasn't those things. And if Lily's right-- and she probably is... does she have any right to take it back? What kind of horrible person is she actually?
She doesn't know. And she can't bring herself down enough to answer. Even if she could, she doesn't know what she could say. Maybe Ordine felt the same way about her that Lily did. He wouldn't be wrong to. ]
You're having a time, though, and I want to be here for you, even if I know this can not only be salvaged, but flourished. Even if that's the case, you feel terrible right now, don't you?
[ The tears just continue to drip down her face, but she doesn't fight it, although her eyes still try to look away in shame. ]
All I could think about was how... I was the one who kept pushing him. And all that time he's had someone he truly wanted to be with. And I knew, but-- I never knew just how much.
I figured... now, while it's not considered dating... I should let him go.
I didn't want to be cruel or hurt anyone but-- I still did it anyway. And I won't say I regret it. Because... I meant everything I said in that message. Even if it hurts me to no end... I want him to be able to have that. Aidios knows he won't take everything he deserves. So if he could only have one... I wanted it to be the person who he loved most.
You're letting your lack of confidence cloud your judgement. Is Ordine really someone who would do anything he didn't want to do? He's not. You know he's not.
You need to stop doing that, though. [she frowns, though her eyes remain kind and patient.] "Letting him go" You're making it sound like being with you is a prison sentence. And though you don't mean it, that's what I mean by arrogance and unkindness, to him and to you. Being with you isn't something people put up with doing. They're here because they want to be. You dictate how they should be feeling without regard for their actual emotions. It isn't fair. Nobody said he "could only have one", and by trying to end things, you're perpetuating the very thing that you mean to prevent: not giving him everything he deserves so very, very much by denying him happiness with you. Because you're worthwhile to him.
I know he doesn't feel that way about you--that you're something to endure--but he has his own silliness about you in this which is why he was going to leave the matter as it is, even if that's not at all what he wants.
[ It's a low bar but she can say that honestly at least. ]
If it were only dating, that would be entirely different. I don't expect special treatment, and I don't expect to be anyone's one and only. But... marriage is something different entirely. And when you have us... who couldn't even figure out if we were dating in the first place...
How can I keep trying to ask him for a part of him he's already reluctant to give, against his vows? I... I just don't know.
[ She buries her face in her hands a laughs at herself derisively. ]
...or maybe I'm just a coward who's terrified to know how he really feels. If I ended it before he could... then I didn't have to face the risk of hearing it from him first.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Day 327 like 10 minutes after the breakup bomb
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She knows she can’t fake it right now, she’s a mess. But just the thought of ignoring it leaves her stomach in knots. Through her tears and shaking hands her first text is.... useless. ]
Serenity: Dir s koyfkr nur
[There’s a pause before she comes back with something... legible.]
Serenity: Sorry.
Serenity: It’s.
Serenity: Okay.
Serenity: What is?
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Lily Pads: i know you.
Lily Pads: you LOVE him.
Lily Pads: so tell me why you think he wouldn't or shouldn't be happy with you
Lily Pads: when he already is
Lily Pads: but you think he would be happier without
Lily Pads: we need to talk about this.
Lily Pads: if you want me to come over i can. deep breaths, water, take your time.
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Deep breaths... pretend it’s cool... sloooooooowly—— ]
Serenity: He’s married, Lily
Serenity: And I’m not that person
Serenity: You should have heard it...
Serenity: The way he talked about his dreams and wishes with that person
Serenity: It was so sweet
Serenity: I can’t compete with that
Serenity: I don’t WANT to... I just want him to be happy
Serenity: I don’t belong in that picture
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Lily Pads: He cares about you very deeply and doesn't want to lose you.
Lily Pads: Even if HE thinks that's what's best for YOU.
Lily Pads: You are both making assumptions here that are making you grievously unhappy.
Lily Pads: He has dreams with that person, yes.
Lily Pads: But I bet it never occurred to you that he might want things with you, too.
Lily Pads: Either now or someday.
Lily Pads: His being a weapon now doesn't matter to you, you're not that shallow.
Lily Pads: And yet he thinks it SHOULD.
Lily Pads: You never think you're worth these things and I know you thought you were doing him a favour.
Lily Pads: Listen to me.
Lily Pads: It's fine to want him.
Lily Pads: It's fine to want these things for yourself.
Lily Pads: He. Wants. You. Too.
Lily Pads: You both have an irreplaceable relationship, you know how hard it is to make it into his heart.
Lily Pads: And yet your wonderful self has a place there.
Lily Pads: But the worst of both your tendencies are mucking everything up right now.
Lily Pads: And please believe me when I say they really don't have to.
Lily Pads: I know you think this is what's best, but it's really, really not.
Lily Pads: And it's actually arrogant and unkind of you to decide this on your own.
Lily Pads: He wants to talk to you and I think you should.
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He wants to talk to her... is it true? Her heart has room to be both frozen with anxiety and yet pathetically hopeful.
But then... Lily tells her that she's been both arrogant and unkind and...
She fully crumbles to pieces.
She's thought many harsh things of herself. But never that. If there was anything she thought she could be sure of it was that she wasn't those things. And if Lily's right-- and she probably is... does she have any right to take it back? What kind of horrible person is she actually?
She doesn't know. And she can't bring herself down enough to answer. Even if she could, she doesn't know what she could say. Maybe Ordine felt the same way about her that Lily did. He wouldn't be wrong to. ]
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can she just. pretend she's dead......... ]
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Lindi, I know you're in there.
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...you don't have to tell me any more. I already know...
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I can't look you in the eyes like this.
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her eyes are very fond.
she kisses her cheeks her nose and forehead]
You were still just doing what you thought was right, but I don't want to see you suffer, especially when you can have all the happiness you deserve.
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[ The tears just continue to drip down her face, but she doesn't fight it, although her eyes still try to look away in shame. ]
All I could think about was how... I was the one who kept pushing him. And all that time he's had someone he truly wanted to be with. And I knew, but-- I never knew just how much.
I figured... now, while it's not considered dating... I should let him go.
I didn't want to be cruel or hurt anyone but-- I still did it anyway. And I won't say I regret it. Because... I meant everything I said in that message. Even if it hurts me to no end... I want him to be able to have that. Aidios knows he won't take everything he deserves. So if he could only have one... I wanted it to be the person who he loved most.
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You need to stop doing that, though. [she frowns, though her eyes remain kind and patient.] "Letting him go" You're making it sound like being with you is a prison sentence. And though you don't mean it, that's what I mean by arrogance and unkindness, to him and to you. Being with you isn't something people put up with doing. They're here because they want to be. You dictate how they should be feeling without regard for their actual emotions. It isn't fair. Nobody said he "could only have one", and by trying to end things, you're perpetuating the very thing that you mean to prevent: not giving him everything he deserves so very, very much by denying him happiness with you. Because you're worthwhile to him.
I know he doesn't feel that way about you--that you're something to endure--but he has his own silliness about you in this which is why he was going to leave the matter as it is, even if that's not at all what he wants.
Because what he wants is you.
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[ It's a low bar but she can say that honestly at least. ]
If it were only dating, that would be entirely different. I don't expect special treatment, and I don't expect to be anyone's one and only. But... marriage is something different entirely. And when you have us... who couldn't even figure out if we were dating in the first place...
How can I keep trying to ask him for a part of him he's already reluctant to give, against his vows? I... I just don't know.
[ She buries her face in her hands a laughs at herself derisively. ]
...or maybe I'm just a coward who's terrified to know how he really feels. If I ended it before he could... then I didn't have to face the risk of hearing it from him first.
I'm pathetic...
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[hug time? hug time!]
It's a lot to navigate, but you can and you should. You're not asking him to betray anyone.
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[But. Slowly, she returns the hug, albeit a bit weakly.]
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[TIGHTENS HER HOLD!!! and pets her hair.]
You two need to talk when you're ready to. But he wants to.
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[She bites her lip; anxious and maybe... a little hopeful.]
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[ But she will try to clean her face up a little. ]
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[lily helps to wipe her tears, more of a show of affection and support than being terribly effective. she can wash her face later.]
Yeah. We'll stay together for a while and ponder the logistics later.
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