Look, AlcheME won't live it down, and I get relentlessly bullied about it whenever it comes up.
...I-I mean, I'm probably also getting ahead of myself 'cause I, uhm. At first, I told him I didn't want us to be 'dating' but then things happened, and I had to admit that haha, shit, I have a lot more feelings than that for him, so I only just asked him if I could take that back and there's so many complications that it might not work out anyway even if he says 'yes' and now I'm worried that I'm gonna have to deal with stupid drama despite my best efforts to avoid it and --
[ He's rambling. Wow, look at this baby rambling. ]
They mean well-- after all, I'm sure they're all really happy for you. As am I. Something like that is really special. Whether it's for a few weeks or for the rest of your life... falling in love with someone is a really big thing. And well... with the not so great that happens, it feels nice to celebrate something good like that.
But... well, for starters-- what kind of drama are you worried about?
[ The longest pause, with him biting on his bottom lip for a moment and he contemplates how to explain this without rambling. ]
Sooo, uh. I got married to him in a game and afterwards we tried to ... sort our feelings out. Since it turns out even if the circumstances in which we discovered these things about ourselves were not great, the feelings were genuine? And -- at the time I was kind of worried and scared, so I asked him if we could just be 'friends with benefits' first.
At some point I found out he was also seeing another person, but they were supportive? Even told me that if I wanted us to be boyfriends, I should write and ask. And I'm grateful for that, but ... I-I never told them about the whole 'got married in a game and this is why the relationship is a thing', 'cause I was still pretty embarrassed about it. And I don't know how serious we're taking it, I called him 'husband' as an ... inside joke, and he started signing his letters off with that too and I dunno if that means maybe we are a little serious about it? They say he's really special and important to them, and they also recently told me they want to settle down with someone one day.
Maybe I'm just -- overthinking this, and I may just be thinking too far ahead 'cause I haven't gotten a reply yet, but -- say, if me and him do become serious, and I want to figure out a future with him, will they feel hurt if they find out about it? Or take it the wrong way and feel like they're less important? And -- I'm worried they'll end up pushing into our 'space' whether they mean to or not, either because they're worried about feeling left behind or to try and reassure themselves of the importance of their relationship with him.
... I really, really don't think I can handle the last one, especially.
...actually, I found out recently that someone I was seeing was married back home.
It was a really difficult thing to process. I was shocked and... yeah, it made me doubt myself. I panicked and decided that it would be better if I ended it here and now, on my own.
But when I was pushed to talk to him, he told me "there's room in my heart for more than one person". It wasn't particularly romantic, but... it made me realize that I wasn't taking something away from someone else. And the jealous part of me realized that... even if it's not the same, there is a special part of his heart that belongs to me too.
So... what I'm trying to say is... yeah, it's possible that being honest about your situation may upset them. And there are times they may feel insecure about it. It's difficult sometimes to stop yourself from trying to compare yourself to that other person or even the bonds between you. Because they won't be exactly the same.
However... what you do have... that bond belongs to the two of you. It may never be everything you expect it to be and it certainly won't be the same as what he shares with that other person, but that is yours and yours alone. If you give that up you'll really be hurting yourself too.
I do think it would be a good idea to talk to him about it too. He may be able to help speak with the other person too. You don't have to face it alone.
Well, good news, I was gonna ask him if we could try courting each other properly even if I didn't get their approval. Giving it up wasn't really on the table.
[ He pulls the blanket around him a little closer. ]
I won't lie, when I found out, I couldn't help wondering what he saw in me, haha. The other person and I are pretty different. I mean, I know our relationships are different, there's no point comparing them, and saying one is more important than the other would only be disrespectful to him, but ... after that talk with them, I started to worry that I'd find myself in 'second place' somehow, 'cause even though I'm the one who got 'married', ours is the more recent relationship? Which is dumb, I know.
I ... don't doubt that they were being sincere when they were encouraging me, it's more ... it's entirely possible I'm just worrying for nothing, and they'll take the news well and be happy for us. But I've also seen how volatile their reactions can be when they get upset, and if they don't take it well, they'll almost certainly dive into their poor ways of coping with emotions and end up hurting themselves. Possibly literally.
... I also found out that they went through a similar situation, where someone they were seeing ended up getting engaged to another person. And they -- I was told they suddenly became very interested in the idea of marriage too, and basically tried proposing themselves as a third partner in that relationship. I can only assume they were afraid of being left behind. It didn't work out, but ...
[ ... He ends up pulling the blanket over his head. ]
I think, if they try to do something similar in response to this, it'd be even more upsetting for me. I don't really mind that he and them have their own bond, but I... even if they don't mean any harm, I-I -- I just want this one part to ourselves. It's one of the happiest I can ever remember being, I've never been cherished this way before, I want to try and think of the future 'cause of him and we're still trying to figure ourselves out. I don't want to share that.
[ His voice probably ended up cracking towards the end, because now that he's putting it into words, the anxiety and upset feelings are bubbling up to the surface more strongly. He has to take a breath to compose himself. ]
[She leans back and listens, gently sipping at some hot chocolate. She sees so much of herself in him.]
...I know exactly what you mean.
Because each relationship is it's own thing, it's hard not to try to figure out how they measure up to one another. Things like how long you've been together, how much time you each spend with one another... even things like titles when it comes to marriage and dating... There could be a lot of reasons why they're different, and it's not always "first" or "second" but... being confident in that all the time isn't easy.
And the kind of things that you're worried about are all reasonable things to worry about. You're still young so relationships are probably pretty new to you-- and this is a pretty complicated situation to come into when you're still trying to figure things out for yourself.
But nothing you want is unreasonable either. There are some things that should be just between the two of you and no one else. I think in that case, communication is key-- and I don't think you'll have any trouble there as long as you say what's on your mind.
It'll probably be an ongoing trial. But I think just by thinking ahead, you're doing yourself a pretty big favor.
So if you ever need someone on the outside to talk to or just feel like venting... you're always welcome to come here. I'll listen and try to help put things in perspective when I can.
... Thanks. I don't really know who I can talk to about stuff like this, it's ... kind of embarrassing...
I guess I'm just afraid about having to talk to them about this, when I can't really predict how things might go. [ He sighs, rubbing his temples. ] And I don't want to hurt them. I'm ... worried about things going badly, and it'll somehow be my fault.
To be honest, I don't even know why he likes me. [ A beat. ] Or, uhm. I do, kinda, after having at least two people basically tell me "well I would hope he likes you for these things about you", it's just -- why me, you know? He's already dating someone who's so different that I don't know what it is he sees in me. It's not that people don't like me, I just figured no one would be interested in a sharp-tongued asshole who could cut open your figurative skin and expose all your insides as a lover, I guess, I don't know. And -- it's not like what happened to get to this point was a dream, or anything, and I know he made his choice when he decided to talk to me instead of letting me run away, I'm just ...
I keep wondering what's the catch, I suppose. It still doesn't feel real that someone this great wants someone like me, for some reason.
...mm. It's a difficult subject to approach, especially when you care about the feelings of everyone involved.
But for starters... I think it might help to focus on the things you can control. If you decide you want to talk, make sure you give a lot of thought to the things you want to say and how you want to say them. Think about things like where you'd like to have that talk. Being prepared when it comes to things like that will definitely help.
...maybe it's because you're different. There's something that he gets from his relationship with you that... he doesn't get from that other relationship-- something that's special enough to him that he couldn't bear to lose either one of you. So... while I know it's easy to doubt those kinds of things... you should try to have a little more faith in him too. He wouldn't be with you if you didn't make him happy.
[See: all the things she learned the hard way from her own relationship problems.]
... I'll do my best. [ To try and figure out how he wants to have that talk, whenever he feels he ought to.
Skylark listens to what Serenity has to say, and he seems to be thinking hard on it. ]
I know, it's just ... [ He seems to have a lot of 'buts' in him, now that he thinks about it. ] ... What if you know that deep down, you're not a good person? And you don't know if he's ever realised that about you. So you can't help but wonder if ... one day, he'll see that ugliness within you, and maybe that will be it.
[She listens, although she's quite aware that he likes to add those little 'buts' everywhere. All the more reason to let him get it all out. Serenity has more than enough patience for it; nibbling at a cookie while she listens.]
...there are a lot of things people learn about themselves and about the people they care about throughout their relationships with one another.
Not all of the things they've done may be good ones, nor will we always agree on everything.
But just because those flaws exist... past or present... doesn't make you any less someone worthy of being loved. Every person has their own set of unique circumstances in life. They can drive us to do things we're not proud of. But whether we see them as right or wrong... we make those choices for a reason. Something that's unique to us.
I don't think... "good" or "bad" is necessarily an easy or fair label to try to pin on anyone.
So I think... what's important is that when you want to share that part of yourself with him, don't be so harsh on yourself. Let him get to know the whole story. Not just what you did... but why and how you felt. And I think you'll be okay.
Hey Serenity, did you expect him to scrub at his face, after hearing all that? Because that's what he's doing, trying to tuck the blanket over himself so she won't see him tearing up. ]
No. No she doesn't. And yet she seems to know just what she wants to do. It only takes her a few moments to shift the snacks out of the way so she can scoot over and pull him into a gentle hug; holding his head against her chest and stroking his hair softly. She doesn't say anything-- doesn't even ask. Just... lets him have this time for a little bit.]
[ He startled when she hugs him -- he wasn't really expecting it, after all -- but soon he just lets himself rest there and begins sobbing.
It's so embarrassing that he's crying like this. But he can't help but feel so relieved to hear someone say these things to him. If he had heard this months ago, would things have turned out differently...? ]
[She continues to hold him as he cries. There's definitely a build up of emotion there that he needs to let out. So she continues to pet his hair patiently, giving him all the time he needs.]
[ It takes a while. There's so much ugly crying, after telling himself that -- crying won't change anything. He knows that. Like how crying didn't change anything for her, crying now won't change anything that's already happened for him. It won't change the things he knows are true: that there is a priority and rank to everything, that people are (should be, really) free to choose what they value, and that chances are he doesn't rate very highly for most people. It's nothing personal, even, he just...he shouldn't expect to be chosen, a lot of times. Don't set himself up for disappointment.
...He feels so childish, crying like this.
Eventually, the crying slows down, though he's still clinging to her. ]
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Re: Day 333, evening
...I-I mean, I'm probably also getting ahead of myself 'cause I, uhm. At first, I told him I didn't want us to be 'dating' but then things happened, and I had to admit that haha, shit, I have a lot more feelings than that for him, so I only just asked him if I could take that back and there's so many complications that it might not work out anyway even if he says 'yes' and now I'm worried that I'm gonna have to deal with stupid drama despite my best efforts to avoid it and --
[ He's rambling. Wow, look at this baby rambling. ]
Re: Day 333, evening
They mean well-- after all, I'm sure they're all really happy for you. As am I. Something like that is really special. Whether it's for a few weeks or for the rest of your life... falling in love with someone is a really big thing. And well... with the not so great that happens, it feels nice to celebrate something good like that.
But... well, for starters-- what kind of drama are you worried about?
Re: Day 333, evening
Sooo, uh. I got married to him in a game and afterwards we tried to ... sort our feelings out. Since it turns out even if the circumstances in which we discovered these things about ourselves were not great, the feelings were genuine? And -- at the time I was kind of worried and scared, so I asked him if we could just be 'friends with benefits' first.
At some point I found out he was also seeing another person, but they were supportive? Even told me that if I wanted us to be boyfriends, I should write and ask. And I'm grateful for that, but ... I-I never told them about the whole 'got married in a game and this is why the relationship is a thing', 'cause I was still pretty embarrassed about it. And I don't know how serious we're taking it, I called him 'husband' as an ... inside joke, and he started signing his letters off with that too and I dunno if that means maybe we are a little serious about it? They say he's really special and important to them, and they also recently told me they want to settle down with someone one day.
Maybe I'm just -- overthinking this, and I may just be thinking too far ahead 'cause I haven't gotten a reply yet, but -- say, if me and him do become serious, and I want to figure out a future with him, will they feel hurt if they find out about it? Or take it the wrong way and feel like they're less important? And -- I'm worried they'll end up pushing into our 'space' whether they mean to or not, either because they're worried about feeling left behind or to try and reassure themselves of the importance of their relationship with him.
... I really, really don't think I can handle the last one, especially.
Re: Day 333, evening
It was a really difficult thing to process. I was shocked and... yeah, it made me doubt myself. I panicked and decided that it would be better if I ended it here and now, on my own.
But when I was pushed to talk to him, he told me "there's room in my heart for more than one person". It wasn't particularly romantic, but... it made me realize that I wasn't taking something away from someone else. And the jealous part of me realized that... even if it's not the same, there is a special part of his heart that belongs to me too.
So... what I'm trying to say is... yeah, it's possible that being honest about your situation may upset them. And there are times they may feel insecure about it. It's difficult sometimes to stop yourself from trying to compare yourself to that other person or even the bonds between you. Because they won't be exactly the same.
However... what you do have... that bond belongs to the two of you. It may never be everything you expect it to be and it certainly won't be the same as what he shares with that other person, but that is yours and yours alone. If you give that up you'll really be hurting yourself too.
I do think it would be a good idea to talk to him about it too. He may be able to help speak with the other person too. You don't have to face it alone.
Re: Day 333, evening
Well, good news, I was gonna ask him if we could try courting each other properly even if I didn't get their approval. Giving it up wasn't really on the table.
[ He pulls the blanket around him a little closer. ]
I won't lie, when I found out, I couldn't help wondering what he saw in me, haha. The other person and I are pretty different. I mean, I know our relationships are different, there's no point comparing them, and saying one is more important than the other would only be disrespectful to him, but ... after that talk with them, I started to worry that I'd find myself in 'second place' somehow, 'cause even though I'm the one who got 'married', ours is the more recent relationship? Which is dumb, I know.
I ... don't doubt that they were being sincere when they were encouraging me, it's more ... it's entirely possible I'm just worrying for nothing, and they'll take the news well and be happy for us. But I've also seen how volatile their reactions can be when they get upset, and if they don't take it well, they'll almost certainly dive into their poor ways of coping with emotions and end up hurting themselves. Possibly literally.
... I also found out that they went through a similar situation, where someone they were seeing ended up getting engaged to another person. And they -- I was told they suddenly became very interested in the idea of marriage too, and basically tried proposing themselves as a third partner in that relationship. I can only assume they were afraid of being left behind. It didn't work out, but ...
[ ... He ends up pulling the blanket over his head. ]
I think, if they try to do something similar in response to this, it'd be even more upsetting for me. I don't really mind that he and them have their own bond, but I... even if they don't mean any harm, I-I -- I just want this one part to ourselves. It's one of the happiest I can ever remember being, I've never been cherished this way before, I want to try and think of the future 'cause of him and we're still trying to figure ourselves out. I don't want to share that.
[ His voice probably ended up cracking towards the end, because now that he's putting it into words, the anxiety and upset feelings are bubbling up to the surface more strongly. He has to take a breath to compose himself. ]
... I-I'll talk to him, too.
Re: Day 333, evening
...I know exactly what you mean.
Because each relationship is it's own thing, it's hard not to try to figure out how they measure up to one another. Things like how long you've been together, how much time you each spend with one another... even things like titles when it comes to marriage and dating... There could be a lot of reasons why they're different, and it's not always "first" or "second" but... being confident in that all the time isn't easy.
And the kind of things that you're worried about are all reasonable things to worry about. You're still young so relationships are probably pretty new to you-- and this is a pretty complicated situation to come into when you're still trying to figure things out for yourself.
But nothing you want is unreasonable either. There are some things that should be just between the two of you and no one else. I think in that case, communication is key-- and I don't think you'll have any trouble there as long as you say what's on your mind.
It'll probably be an ongoing trial. But I think just by thinking ahead, you're doing yourself a pretty big favor.
So if you ever need someone on the outside to talk to or just feel like venting... you're always welcome to come here. I'll listen and try to help put things in perspective when I can.
Re: Day 333, evening
I guess I'm just afraid about having to talk to them about this, when I can't really predict how things might go. [ He sighs, rubbing his temples. ] And I don't want to hurt them. I'm ... worried about things going badly, and it'll somehow be my fault.
To be honest, I don't even know why he likes me. [ A beat. ] Or, uhm. I do, kinda, after having at least two people basically tell me "well I would hope he likes you for these things about you", it's just -- why me, you know? He's already dating someone who's so different that I don't know what it is he sees in me. It's not that people don't like me, I just figured no one would be interested in a sharp-tongued asshole who could cut open your figurative skin and expose all your insides as a lover, I guess, I don't know. And -- it's not like what happened to get to this point was a dream, or anything, and I know he made his choice when he decided to talk to me instead of letting me run away, I'm just ...
I keep wondering what's the catch, I suppose. It still doesn't feel real that someone this great wants someone like me, for some reason.
Re: Day 333, evening
But for starters... I think it might help to focus on the things you can control. If you decide you want to talk, make sure you give a lot of thought to the things you want to say and how you want to say them. Think about things like where you'd like to have that talk. Being prepared when it comes to things like that will definitely help.
...maybe it's because you're different. There's something that he gets from his relationship with you that... he doesn't get from that other relationship-- something that's special enough to him that he couldn't bear to lose either one of you. So... while I know it's easy to doubt those kinds of things... you should try to have a little more faith in him too. He wouldn't be with you if you didn't make him happy.
[See: all the things she learned the hard way from her own relationship problems.]
Re: Day 333, evening
Skylark listens to what Serenity has to say, and he seems to be thinking hard on it. ]
I know, it's just ... [ He seems to have a lot of 'buts' in him, now that he thinks about it. ] ... What if you know that deep down, you're not a good person? And you don't know if he's ever realised that about you. So you can't help but wonder if ... one day, he'll see that ugliness within you, and maybe that will be it.
... It's a lot of 'what-ifs', admittedly.
Re: Day 333, evening
...there are a lot of things people learn about themselves and about the people they care about throughout their relationships with one another.
Not all of the things they've done may be good ones, nor will we always agree on everything.
But just because those flaws exist... past or present... doesn't make you any less someone worthy of being loved. Every person has their own set of unique circumstances in life. They can drive us to do things we're not proud of. But whether we see them as right or wrong... we make those choices for a reason. Something that's unique to us.
I don't think... "good" or "bad" is necessarily an easy or fair label to try to pin on anyone.
So I think... what's important is that when you want to share that part of yourself with him, don't be so harsh on yourself. Let him get to know the whole story. Not just what you did... but why and how you felt. And I think you'll be okay.
Re: Day 333, evening
Hey Serenity, did you expect him to scrub at his face, after hearing all that? Because that's what he's doing, trying to tuck the blanket over himself so she won't see him tearing up. ]
Re: Day 333, evening
No. No she doesn't. And yet she seems to know just what she wants to do. It only takes her a few moments to shift the snacks out of the way so she can scoot over and pull him into a gentle hug; holding his head against her chest and stroking his hair softly. She doesn't say anything-- doesn't even ask. Just... lets him have this time for a little bit.]
Re: Day 333, evening
It's so embarrassing that he's crying like this. But he can't help but feel so relieved to hear someone say these things to him. If he had heard this months ago, would things have turned out differently...? ]
Re: Day 333, evening
Re: Day 333, evening
...He feels so childish, crying like this.
Eventually, the crying slows down, though he's still clinging to her. ]