...I had a feeling that was part of the reason you picked this place.
You weren't there, so... it's a bit of a story.
[But she takes a deep breath and puts it out there anyway.]
It was a hostage game, where we were asked questions and our units were supposed to figure out the answers we gave. The punishments, however, were god awful. Bit by bit they turned the people who's answers didn't match into living dolls.
Well... I guess Hope told Hellfire about what happened in the last bad game and... she decided to smash BARiTONES buzzer during one of the rounds. I couldn't stop either same and Hellfire got shot in the face because of it.
In the end, we played a part in them losing the game, and with it were able to win...
I feel responsible. For my girlfriend's unit being hurt. For my unit feeling like they needed to go so far for my sake. For not being able to find a way that didn't result in even more people being hurt than necessary. It's... difficult to accept.
I just... wish that the answer to our suffering didn't have to be more suffering.
I'm just as hurt and frustrated as anyone about what happened, but it's not really BARiTONES fault, or future is now's fault... it's the production and the hosts and the games...
Mmm, well. Personally, I think even though the production and the hosts are the ones responsible, it doesn't absolve people here of the choices they end up making, either. And I can understand the frustration of seeing your unitmates get hurt because of those choices, and wanting to do something about it.
Maybe I've just ... seen and been through too many things, but ... if you ask me, all things have a price. If you want to live, you pay the price in someone else's blood. If you decide you want to minimise harm, that also comes at a price. Even choosing to sacrifice yourself comes at a cost, and I don't mean just the sacrifice itself.
[Serenity listens to his words carefully-- she appreciates his insight and she knows she needs it right about now.]
No, I don't think you're wrong. And... it's because of all the things you've been through that I want to take those words to heart. This is only the third really bad experience I've had here, so it's still something I'm learning how to navigate.
[ He's trying to not seem a little surprised that someone is like, actually listening to what he has to say about this. He is probably failing. ]
Honestly, I'd rather you not have to go through some of the bad experiences I've had myself. Some things will just leave scars you have to deal with for a long time after. Possibly for as long as you live and breathe.
... And, uhm, well. I do have some opinions, as someone who's ... unfortunately dealt with a lot of self-sacrificing types, in less than great circumstances.
[Failed step one. All the more reason to let him see that his voice does reach some people.]
I'd... like to hear them. If you don't mind. Maybe it will help me figure out just what it is I need to do going forward. Or at least... give me some insight about other people's feelings and experiences.
... I'm just a little bitter, I suppose. Keep that in mind.
[ There's the pause of someone who's trying to figure out what he should say next. ]
It's probably pretty obvious that I'm not a proponent of self-sacrifice, especially in a place like this. And I think ... there's a big difference between 'not hurting others' and 'protecting others', more so when you're doing it at your own expense. They're not the same thing.
It's not wrong to not want to hurt people you love, 'cause—well, that's kind of just how most people are? Obviously you don't want to be responsible for hurting someone you care about. So when you're forced into a situation where you have to choose who to hurt, and you care about all of them, some people will consider letting themselves be hurt as being the only choice they can live with. Or that it's fine if they get hurt, if it means someone they care about suffers less, or not at all. But I think ... many such people forget that in a sense, that's passing the burden of responsibility onto someone else. There's guilt in knowing your loved ones are hurt for your sake, too.
I'm not gonna say any of these choices are 'right' or 'wrong', 'cause it's not like I don't get it. And it's not my place to pass judgment, anyway. How other people want to navigate the—I dunno, ethics? I think that's the word?—the ethics of those thorny decisions isn't really my business. Unless they try to justify themselves to me, at which point they're making it my business; I'm probably not gonna like it and they're not gonna like what I think about all that.
I just — [ At this moment he has to stop himself, because he feels that if he doesn't steady his voice, he'll sound more bitter than he wants to be. He still sounds bitter and tired when he continues, despite himself. ] If you're gonna choose to sacrifice yourself for someone you love, then at least ... admit that you're doing it for your own sake, and not theirs. It's dishonest, I feel, to say that it's about protecting them, when really it's about not wanting their blood on your hands. Most likely, they don't want to see you hurt either, and now they feel responsible for it.
... Of course, I may only feel this way because I've been collateral damage in that sort of situation.
...if you're bitter about it, then there's probably a very good reason for that. Don't forget that.
I've never forgotten my own responsibility. No matter the choice, I know that I play a part in that. Even so, I never considered it that way. But... you're right. Even in the instances where I watched others make their own choices, I saw how much it hurt them to see me pay the price for them.
I tried to say it was okay, even though I was hurting, but... of course they knew. I was a fool to try an tell myself otherwise. They're the people who care about me for a reason after all. And it is selfish to say that it's okay for them to have to bear that pain, that responsibility on their own. I... need to be strong enough to bear the weight of that with them.
[Even so, her knuckles are white for how tightly they're clenched. And it's still not enough to stop them from shaking.]
[ Skylark hasn't failed to notice the way her hands are clenched, and after a moment's hesitation, he tentatively reaches for them.
... It's so strange to hear someone say "there's probably a very good reason" for these ugly feelings. ]
Personally, I don't want to see you hurt. But I can't say you shouldn't ever sacrifice yourself either, 'cause that isn't my choice to make. I only hope that if you make that decision, you do so knowing the consequences affect more than just you. Easier said than done, admittedly.
... And maybe this is just me, so I can't say anyone you know might feel the same way—but it hurts more when someone's good intentions end up causing me harm, than if someone decided to throw me into the sea out of unfortunate necessity or sheer cold-blooded ruthlessness, as it were. I mean, it still doesn't feel great, but ... well, one's more likely to be honest about it than the other. So to speak.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Day 353
You weren't there, so... it's a bit of a story.
[But she takes a deep breath and puts it out there anyway.]
It was a hostage game, where we were asked questions and our units were supposed to figure out the answers we gave. The punishments, however, were god awful. Bit by bit they turned the people who's answers didn't match into living dolls.
Well... I guess Hope told Hellfire about what happened in the last bad game and... she decided to smash BARiTONES buzzer during one of the rounds. I couldn't stop either same and Hellfire got shot in the face because of it.
In the end, we played a part in them losing the game, and with it were able to win...
Re: Day 353
... And you're not particularly happy about that, I imagine?
Re: Day 353
I feel responsible. For my girlfriend's unit being hurt. For my unit feeling like they needed to go so far for my sake. For not being able to find a way that didn't result in even more people being hurt than necessary. It's... difficult to accept.
Re: Day 353
Even though at least some of it wasn't exactly in your hands? Though I can't say I don't get why Hellfire did that.
Re: Day 353
Re: Day 353
Re: Day 353
I'm just as hurt and frustrated as anyone about what happened, but it's not really BARiTONES fault, or future is now's fault... it's the production and the hosts and the games...
Re: Day 353
Mmm, well. Personally, I think even though the production and the hosts are the ones responsible, it doesn't absolve people here of the choices they end up making, either. And I can understand the frustration of seeing your unitmates get hurt because of those choices, and wanting to do something about it.
Maybe I've just ... seen and been through too many things, but ... if you ask me, all things have a price. If you want to live, you pay the price in someone else's blood. If you decide you want to minimise harm, that also comes at a price. Even choosing to sacrifice yourself comes at a cost, and I don't mean just the sacrifice itself.
Re: Day 353
No, I don't think you're wrong. And... it's because of all the things you've been through that I want to take those words to heart. This is only the third really bad experience I've had here, so it's still something I'm learning how to navigate.
Re: Day 353
Honestly, I'd rather you not have to go through some of the bad experiences I've had myself. Some things will just leave scars you have to deal with for a long time after. Possibly for as long as you live and breathe.
... And, uhm, well. I do have some opinions, as someone who's ... unfortunately dealt with a lot of self-sacrificing types, in less than great circumstances.
Re: Day 353
I'd... like to hear them. If you don't mind. Maybe it will help me figure out just what it is I need to do going forward. Or at least... give me some insight about other people's feelings and experiences.
1/2
... I'm just a little bitter, I suppose. Keep that in mind.
[ There's the pause of someone who's trying to figure out what he should say next. ]
It's probably pretty obvious that I'm not a proponent of self-sacrifice, especially in a place like this. And I think ... there's a big difference between 'not hurting others' and 'protecting others', more so when you're doing it at your own expense. They're not the same thing.
It's not wrong to not want to hurt people you love, 'cause—well, that's kind of just how most people are? Obviously you don't want to be responsible for hurting someone you care about. So when you're forced into a situation where you have to choose who to hurt, and you care about all of them, some people will consider letting themselves be hurt as being the only choice they can live with. Or that it's fine if they get hurt, if it means someone they care about suffers less, or not at all. But I think ... many such people forget that in a sense, that's passing the burden of responsibility onto someone else. There's guilt in knowing your loved ones are hurt for your sake, too.
no subject
I just — [ At this moment he has to stop himself, because he feels that if he doesn't steady his voice, he'll sound more bitter than he wants to be. He still sounds bitter and tired when he continues, despite himself. ] If you're gonna choose to sacrifice yourself for someone you love, then at least ... admit that you're doing it for your own sake, and not theirs. It's dishonest, I feel, to say that it's about protecting them, when really it's about not wanting their blood on your hands. Most likely, they don't want to see you hurt either, and now they feel responsible for it.
... Of course, I may only feel this way because I've been collateral damage in that sort of situation.
no subject
I've never forgotten my own responsibility. No matter the choice, I know that I play a part in that. Even so, I never considered it that way. But... you're right. Even in the instances where I watched others make their own choices, I saw how much it hurt them to see me pay the price for them.
I tried to say it was okay, even though I was hurting, but... of course they knew. I was a fool to try an tell myself otherwise. They're the people who care about me for a reason after all. And it is selfish to say that it's okay for them to have to bear that pain, that responsibility on their own. I... need to be strong enough to bear the weight of that with them.
[Even so, her knuckles are white for how tightly they're clenched. And it's still not enough to stop them from shaking.]
no subject
... It's so strange to hear someone say "there's probably a very good reason" for these ugly feelings. ]
Personally, I don't want to see you hurt. But I can't say you shouldn't ever sacrifice yourself either, 'cause that isn't my choice to make. I only hope that if you make that decision, you do so knowing the consequences affect more than just you. Easier said than done, admittedly.
... And maybe this is just me, so I can't say anyone you know might feel the same way—but it hurts more when someone's good intentions end up causing me harm, than if someone decided to throw me into the sea out of unfortunate necessity or sheer cold-blooded ruthlessness, as it were. I mean, it still doesn't feel great, but ... well, one's more likely to be honest about it than the other. So to speak.