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[At some point, Noctua is knocking on her door.]

[Sticking her finger in her book she hops up to open the door.]

Oh-- hey Noct. Is there something I can help you with?

Celes. Can we... talk?

[Hm.

She folds the page of her book and sets it down immediately.]

Of course. Come in. [She steps aside.] Would you like some tea?

If you don't mind. Thank you.

[coming on in.]

I don't mind at all. Please-- make yourself comfortable.

[There's a small sitting area where she'd been reading. She pours him a cup of tea and takes the next seat over.]

[he seats himself comfortably, accepts the tea with a polite noise, and... stares into it, trying to work himself up to actually saying things.]

[She had a feeling it wasn't something easy for him, so she sits and waits patiently with a soft, understanding smile on her face.]

...Celes. What do you think of Pavo?

[Celes hums thoughtfully for a second.]

I think he's an independent, resourceful person. He can be kind and friendly-- but not always to himself. And it's not easy for him to rely on others, even though I think it's probably lonely for him.

He's one of my housemates so-- I care deeply for him, and I want to support him the best I can.

[...]

Why do you ask?

...I.

I love him.

And I told him so.

[It does surprise her, though only a small fraction.

...she puts aside her own feelings without a blink of an eye, just a small breath and she's fine.]

...that's wonderful! You two really have come a long way in the short time we've been here. I couldn't be happier for you both.

[...]

But then, what's troubling you?

[he folds his hands together, checking on her reaction subtly]

I don't... know what to do with that love, with the way this place is.

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[Overflow from here!]

[She hums and nods in agreement.]

Another day then.

[She rests her forearms on the railing and leans into it a little.]

...that's true. I guess I really haven't talked much about myself. Well... for starters, I guess you should know that I graduated from a military school... the best Erebonia has to offer-- but also one of the most difficult.

Shortly after I graduated, my school announced that it was expanding and adding a second building. It was short on staff, so I applied to teach there. Military finances and communications primarily, but also other important subjects like first aid and cooking.

The rest is... well. Not particularly exciting. When I'm not staying in the dormitories, my aunt and uncle let me stay with them in their home. They run a general store in the capital. They're the last family I have... but they've taken very good care of me. Raised me like their own. And I had my younger cousin Kai, too. I know they worry about me though. They talk about me getting married, finding someone to look after me--

[She huffs and shakes her head, face red.]

That's why... I've always wanted to show them I can take care of myself. I don't want to worry them.

That's admirable of you.

[Not wanting to worry her family, huh...?]

I'll preface this with a note that I'm not looking for a way out of my promises, but are you going to be alright leaving them behind?

...I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't worry about them a little.

[However, she tilts her head and lifts her eyes with a soft, wry smile.]

But I already know they'd be the first ones to tell me to go. They've always been pretty good at seeing through me. If I forced myself to go back when my heart wasn't in it-- I'd never hear the end of it.

Hmm... We should try to get them a message, when the time comes. I don't know how, but I also don't yet know how to get home, let alone bring you with me. But that's just something to work towards.

[and something to DO so he doesn't go insane stewing]

We've certainly got our work cut out for us. But between the two of us, I think we can handle an extra goal or two.

...if you'd gone together, I probably would have lost my nerve and given up. On one hand, I know it's wrong, but I'm... really glad I'm not. Alone.

There's nothing wrong with hesitating, and certainly nothing wrong in not wanting to left behind.

[He leans on the railing, folding his arms and looking out at the inaccessible town. It's hard for Kaeya to be this honest and open -- to talk about feelings with anyone at all. But now that they're by themselves and he feels less exposed he's loosening up a little, slowly.]

...Noctua's the only one I've ever admitted this to, but I hate being alone. --That is, I prefer to fly solo at work, and in fact sometimes I'd much rather be in my own company in general, but there's a difference between being by yourself and being alone.

It's... not easy to admit those kinds of things. I know.

[She turns around and leans her back against it, facing the opposite direction, but still just inches away as she looks up towards the sky.]

...but it means a lot to me that you did. It makes me happy that you feel like you can open up and trust me with those feelings. It doesn't matter if there are things you have to do on your own-- you won't be alone. Not anymore. No matter where you are, you'll always have at least one of us.

That's true.

[It's easier, for now, not to look at her. But he can feel her warmth at his side, and it's comforting in a way that not much is, these days.]

...How much did we tell you about what happened with us, by the way? I feel like you ought to know.

I knew something big had to have happened... based on the way things changed from when we first arrived. But I don't know any of the details.

I never asked, because I knew it was probably something sensitive for the both of you. I thought... if it was something I should know, when that time came that you were ready to talk about it, you would.

Mmm... This is going to be a long story, so bear with me.

[He pauses for a longer moment this time. The things he's about to say -- the story he wants to tell her -- is something he's held close to his chest for most of his life. Only Diluc and Venti know, and the latter didn't have to be told. With the former, it all went so painfully wrong that for a long time, Kaeya didn't think he could ever tell anyone anything important again.

But things with Diluc got better. Things with Venti are good where Kaeya never thought they could be. And Celes is going to be a central part of their lives, from now on. She should know. She needs to know what a complicated mess she's walking into. So he takes a slow, shuddering breath, and pushes himself to just tell her.]

...When I was a kid, my father abandoned me. I remember... it was storming, and I was cold and all alone, til Noctua's father found me. He took me in and raised me like his own son. I grew up in the wealthiest family in Mond, and Noctua was my beloved big brother. He was so... bright, and kind, and elegant and good at everything. An unparalleled prodigy in every way. But he felt so strongly about the world it scared me sometimes. Still, I followed him everywhere. We were really, really close.

The thing was... I was lying to them the whole time. I told them -- I still tell everyone -- that I didn't know why I was left there. The truth is, my home country... it was destroyed so long ago most people don't know the name anymore. But my father left me to carry out a plan... I'd rather not talk about the specifics, but suffice it to say I've been, effectively, an enemy agent my whole life. It's an obligation I can't easily throw aside. My family, and what's left of my homeland, are all relying on me and only me.

I always made sure not to stand out compared to Noctua, so the attention would be on him, and I'd stay an accessory. His shadow, using the privilege of his family to get access to things I shouldn't have, while not drawing notice. But, as you may expect, there was -- is -- a conflict of interest. I... fell for that life. head over heels, really.

That's why, when his father was killed, I couldn't...

[God this is hard shit to remember!!]

I didn't know how to process it. I loved him so much, but all I could think was that with him gone, I wasn't going to be torn between two fathers anymore. It was a weight off. But Noctua was destroyed by what happened, and I felt so guilty for feeling that way, I just... I couldn't do it anymore.

So I told him everything that same night. And I spun it the worst way I possibly could, on purpose, to hurt him. I figured... when it comes down to it, I'm merely a pawn in a game I can't hope to untangle on my own. I don't know which side I should choose. What I want to do, the things and people I love... or my duty, my real family, and the people relying on me to do something only I can do. But if I choose wrong, or I have that choice taken away from me, I still want to protect that place and those people. And Noctua's the strongest protection they could possibly have, so I didn't want him to hesitate if I needed to be cut down. It was better for him to hate me.

The way we fought was... vicious, really. We were both in too much pain to hold back. And the next day, he resigned his position in the knighthood and left town entirely, looking for vengeance or justice or... something. He was so angry. He sold the house we grew up in out from under me and just... left. Which I deserved, obviously. But he didn't come back for almost four years, and by then there was too much bitterness to just get over. I think... we were starting to make progress, before we came here.

But I really didn't want to fix it. I was truly, terribly cruel to him here at first, you know. Whether he showed that to you I never asked, but I know I did nothing but cut at him, til he didn't even want to look at me anymore. Seeing him shut down that way knocked some sense into me, I guess. We talked it out, finally. I told him how I felt, and he told me he wouldn't kill me no matter how bad I hurt him. That's when you would've noticed it change.

Honestly though I was still hanging onto the idea of dying on his sword until that whole traipsing about in my head business. He really made his point, with that one.

[And Pavo's going really red thinking about it, but smiling, softly, even so.]

[For the most part, Celes is silent as she listens intently to the story; creating pictures in her mind of what bits she can imagine. The first half explains very well the initial animosity between then-- but it also explains the reason why despite that, they were never able to let go of one another. They cared so much that they were drawn to each other and couldn't let go of those feelings, both good and bad. And as his story continues, she sees exactly why the two were able to finally understand each other, even though it was difficult for them both.

She doesn't turn around. She continues to look off in the opposite direction. However-- she places her hand over his and gently squeezes it. Not just from this but... from all their time together, she knows that a deep admission like this is beyond simply difficult for him. It is a vulnerability that his every instinct tries to reject.

The fact that he can say this to her... really proves more than anything else that she is someone important to him. And not just because of her connection to Noctua-- that they have their own, powerful bond. That means the world to her. She tears up a little, more than once; having to blink away the tears.]

...mmn. Now that I understand-- I feel the exact same way he does. It doesn't matter what choice you make, now or in the future-- he would chase after you no matter what. And I would do the same. You don't have to feel like you're choosing sides, just because we won't always fight for the same things. We believe in you. So even if we think you get lost somewhere along the way-- we'd fight for you.

[For a bit, Pavo doesn't respond to that. He's just quiet, trying to sort through the emotions hearing her say that has triggered.

He really doesn't understand. Why would anyone go that far to support someone like him? It's not deserved, and it's not fair, because no matter what anyone says he will always feel trapped by that future choice. He still doesn't know what he'll do, and he's terrified it'll end in something he can't ever take back. In some respect he has very little ownership of his own life, and he can never stop walking this treacherous path, no matter how badly he wants to run away or collapse. He's not worth that much care.

But it feels nice. He was really afraid she'd reject him if she knew who he really was, but she hasn't. She sounds just like Noctua, and that feels both warm and deeply lonely, because Noctua's not here and Pavo can't forget that even when he's feeling so very loved.

He doesn't say anything for some time. Instead, after awhile, she'll just hear him sniff once, with a shaky exhale he tries to muffle. But he doesn't, quite, break down.]

That's the same sort of thing he keeps saying. You, and Noctua, and Zephyr... I don't understand any of you. But... thank you.